A very bad day......

 

Climbed up to my bed unhesitatingly when I came back in dormitory. I feel relaxed and safe when I laid in bed with my eyes closed. I heard two of my roommates came in and one of them asked, " what's wrong with her? She slept so early." The other roommate said," I don't know." I heard that, but I didn't want to make a sound. I was enjoying my silent and free time. I feel the world is safer in the silence.

 

But I just could not help my tears. I wept in my bed for a while. I heard their left...... I still stayed in bed.

 

Now I have just got up for a few minutes. It is raining outside. I heard the rain is knocking at the window. This is a lonely world. You think you can be happy, but it is so hard to achieve it. You think you could get on no matter what would happen. But, could you really be brave enough?

 

Tomorrow is another day,isn't it? Tomorrow, sweet tomorrow...... don't cry, be happy. Because, he is coming back!

 

Waiting ......

It is raining outside now. I am thinking of a man who is on his way to me now. The atmosphere in this city become sweet. Today I was criticized by my boss badly, I almost wept listening to her teaching. Afternoon I heard she was talking her father's illness with someone on the phone. Her father caught a disease. Now I got to know that it is my boss's father , not my boss herself, who has been ill for some time. Now I know why my boss get so disturbed. I hope her father will be ok. Although my boss is very critical and her father has a bad temper, but all of them are actually kind. I hate my job, but I admire my boss.

 

I think I might be afraid of losing something, but I won't really try to make it stay with me.  I am ready to lose everything so that I will not get hurt by that badly and learn how to treasure what I have now.

 

God will take care of everything. I will be nice, so, how can you hurt me badly?

 

Like a rainfall down my soul...... it gave me so peaceful feeling...... not very excited, but warm enough, tender enough...... like soft tune surround painful heart...... It is not like a fire, it is just like a rainfall in spring......

 

I will complain nothing if I were left alone in the cold winter...... if that come true, maybe, it is my destiny. No matter how I struggle for a warm home, how can I escape myself from my destiny? So, just wait and abide by that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"The scars of his past will determine his future. " Just shocked by this sentence, so decide to paste this picture.

 

Can  I feel the light through the rain?

 

Remember a singer ever sang, " now you have come and all my grave is removed ".  Oh, I ever thought like that too.

 

Now everything is changed.

 

A man came back tonight, but I refused to answer his call. He is not the type I like.

A man is still in another country now and I am used not to think him too often. I have almost forgotten him.

A man is coming back to me in a few days. I am not excited with that, but feel very comforted. He is a so warm man.

 

"Can you hear me, can you hear me,through the dark night far away. I am dying forever crying, to be with you, who can say? " I love the song " sailing " very much. another song I love too is " one more time". I am dying forever crying, but you don't know that at all...... Where are you? Do you know that I have been looking for you through all the hardship in my lifetime? Why don't you appear to me? Why have you hidden from me for so many many years? I am aged. My power is weaking. I cannot wait for you anymore.

 

Ok, I believe you won't come to me . never......

This afternoon I attended a lecture about the mutual explanation  between chinese ancient paintings and poems. The lecturer is a young professor from Fu Dan University. This lectue is very interesting.

 

http://ts.hjenglish.com/page/11383/###

 

 

There's a man, standing on the corner,
With a sign saying: "Will work for food."
You know the man, you see him every morning,
The one you never give your money to.
You can sit there with your window rolled up,
Wonderin' when the light's gonna turn green.
Never knowing what a couple more bucks,
In his pocket might mean.
What if he's an angel sent here from heaven?
And he's making certain that you're doing your best,
To take the time to help one another:
Brother, are you gonna pass that test?
You can go on with your day-to-day,
Trying to forget what you saw in his face.
Knowing deep down you could have been his savin' grace.
What if he's an angel?
There's a man, and there's a woman,
Livin' right above you in apartment G.
There's a lot of noise comin' through the ceiling,
And it don't sound like harmony.
You can sit there with your TV turned up,
While the words in his anger fly.
But come tomorrow when you see her with her shades on,
Can you look her in the eye?
What if she's an angel sent here from heaven?
And she's making certain that you're doing your best,
To take the time to help one another:
Brother, are you gonna pass that test?
You can go on with your day-to-day,
Tryin' to forget what you saw in her face.
Knowing deep down you could have been her savin' grace.
What if she's an angel?
Instrumental Break.
A little girl, on daddy's lap,
Hidin' her disease with a baseball cap.
You can turn the channel, most people do.
But what if you were sitting in her daddy's shoes?
What if she's an angel sent here from heaven?
And she's making certain that you're doing your best,
To take the time to help one another:
Brother, are you gonna pass that test?
You can go on with your day-to-day,
Trying to forget what you saw in her face.
Knowing deep down you could have been her savin' grace.

 

 

“What if she's an angel sent here from heaven?/And she's making certain that you're doing your best,
/To take the time to help one another /Brother, are you gonna pass that test?”

 

Yes, maybe that person who is waiting for your help is an angel sent here from heaven and she is making certain that you are doing your best,maybe. So, pls be generous and kind to him or her. Do not be disconnected with your parents, do not be cold to your children, do not be distant to your lover, do not be hostile to people who ever hurted you, do not be annoyed with those you dislike ...... Maybe that person is an angel sent here from heaven and she's making certain that you're doing your best,to take the time to help one another.

 

Try to believe more doubt less. Put a few coins to beggars' hand instead of walking away thinking they are all cheating your money. Do not get angry with others easily, you know nobody is perfect. Give a hand to someone who is in need. Because, maybe that person is an angel sent here from heaven and she is making certain that you are doing your best to take the time to help one another.

 

Today I was blamed seriously by my boss for my oversuse the file holders. I was thinking she would criticize me for my doing private matters with office facility when she said to me. God blessed me, that printer is ok. However, I categorized those files according to my boss's request. She found fault with me now. I could not understand why she forgot what she asked me  to do. Ok, I just said sorry to her. She might fire me next week, I guess. Ok, it is ok. She has done a lot for me. She is not in a good condition these days. My colleague told me she often went to hospital at Wednesday last month. I wish she would be ok.

 

Do not feel upset, do not feel lonely. Treat others kindly, be ready to help others. Even you lose everything, remember, angel won't forsake you if you behave good. Life won't break you. Try to pass your test that angel have prepared for you.

Wednesday is always a busy day in this semester. I have to attend classes from morning to night. I still took a nap in the noon. I cannot have the engergy to go on my study in afternoon if I don't doze for a while. I ususally sleep for one or two hours. Am I lazy? I always feel tired.

 

Except that DAMN ancient poem-wirting class, I feel happy when I sit at class even I cannot understand those lessons very well. I know I need read more. I like school life. I don't like company. I don't want to be a clerk at a company. I like school. I like to read some books about art, archeology history, culture, philosophy, sociology and so on. I have read less than ten books since last semester...... I wish I could read more this semester.

 

I wish I could finish the reading of  The Contents Abstract of Complete Library of the Four Treasures of Knowledge (I don't know if the translation is correct: ) as soon as possible. Today Prof. Yan said we could not finish the reading it even in three years! Oh, my God! I know I can select some sections to read, but how can I work out statistical data which can provide me enough evidences to make my analysis for my article if I don't read it all?  If I just read a part of it, I can know it in a rough, but I cannot raise a question which is worth trying to be answer. And, I cannot provide a solution to that question.

 

Oh, there are so many things to be done. English, Japanese, ancient books......

 

It seemed I never read a book from begining to the end...... terrible.

 

I have lagged behind others so much......  I hope I can keep up them someday, but I know it is not easy...... I am not very young......

Today we visited Longhua Temple and Longhua Martyrs' Mausoleum. We went there by bus. On the way there I watched the mobile television on bus and happened to see LEEAO -- a very famous politician and historian, threw his shoes to a congressman at parliament. It seems that Taiwan politician always behave like a child. But I think it is better than hatch a plot behind smile face......

 

It is said that Longhua Temple was built at A.D. 242 by Sun Quan -- a king of Wu . Longhua Temple had endured many diasters caused by wars for more than one thousand years. An affable monk led us to look around the temple and described the history of joss and some monks' handwriting and painting. The joss in the temple is very impressive. It shows people a very bright world. It occured to me that some people in secular clothes were so incongruous here. I wish I could live in a temple at that moment.

 

I know little about Buddhism. I planned to read some book about Buddhism in this summer vacation. I just feel a little strange why the temple leave no enough space for prayers. Catholic church always leave a large space for people to pray.

 

Left Longhua Temple for Longhua Martyrs' Mausoleum. Longhua Martyrs' Mausoleum is very large and quiet. A lot of pines, bamboo , peach blossom and beautiful lawns creat a nice environment for those sacrificed their lives for their beliefs. I wish I would be buried here while I was dead, hehe. Tomorrow is Tomb-sweeping Day and the main leaders in Shanghai city are going here to show their respects to herioes, so we could see some soldiers were making a rehearsal for tomorrow's ceremony.

 

If I was one of survival of that disaster in 1920's or 1930's and I went to see my commrades sleeping here, how should I be suppose to think about when I stoold here? They tried to change the country, they tried to creat a bright country, they didn't care their lives for that revolution. But, it is the world they were expecting and struggling for many years ago? Endless violence...... with the name of democracy......

 

Maybe Buddhism is wiser than any revolutionary theory because it try to make people believe something eternal. We are all human beings. and we know the world is always as it was. What we can do is to try to do our best to be good people and be helpful to others. We know we cannot have salvation in this secular world, but we still try our best to be good people and always be ready to help others.

 

Oh, It seems I am going to be a Buddhist:)

This noon we gathered in school hospital in order to help those blood donor (of course they are students in this school) to get back in their dormitory after giving their blood to to be used for transfusions. I didn't know anybody there. And I didn't think it was necessary to do this. They are all fragile chidren, they need  comfort and praise after they gave their blood ......  However, we waited for them in the front of school hospital and finally we could not find the chance to help others. They looked good after blood donation and they showed no want to be helped to be back. So we left.

 

I naps everyday after lunch for an hour or two. I am easy to be tired. This noon I could not have time to take a siesta because of that waiting in school hospital. In the afternoon I dozed at the classroom when that famous scholar -- Ge Zhao Guang, was giving his lecture on Zen. When the lecture was end, I rushed back my dormitory and went to bed immediately. I hadn't got up until 17:30pm. This evening I went to attend a class about Zhou Yi. I still could not understand what the teacher said, I just think it will be better to be there than to be absent. I believe I can benefit a little from this class. At least, I know some stories about Zhou Yi, hehe.

 

I find it is getting more and more difficult to me to understand all my courses. I feel very frustrated. I cannot see my strengthes. Yesterday Yan called me and criticized me again, but he was milder than before. I know he wanted to encourage me to make more efforts to study, I know. I just feel disappointed with myself. I spend most of my time to study english but no progress. I also want to improve my mandarin level, it is difficult to me too. And, I want to read some ancient books. I feel tired. How can I find enough time to do all this? Moreover, I find I am a little lost in all this kind of matters......

 

It is hot today...... Sleep is nice. There is no cliff in this world when you close your eyes......

Have borrowed two books from school library. I wanted to find a book which is recommended by my supervisor at his class two weeks ago, but failed. I found some books about religions while I was browsing in the library. I have borrowed two books. One is The cambridge illustrated history of religions and the other is China's Religion written by Max Weber. It is good for me to know how thoese western scholars understand religion and some religions in China.

 

Tomorrow a famous scholar is going to give his lecture about Zen to us. Oh, I know nothing about religion. I know nothing about the world. I need read more and understand more.

 

Alex told me he would help me to read some english books. I hope he will take it seriously. We can read some english books together.

 

I am a lazy student. I find I can concentrate on my reading when I am alone. I don't like to stay with others.

Last night I fell asleep weeping.

 

Today I became happy again. It is not worth feeling bad with that. I know what a person I am. Why did I agitate myself over other's comments on me? They knew nothing about me. Even I myself could not know me very much, how can they know me well? And, we have different life. Why should they criticize my life? Some people who lead a happy life think they have been given rights to criticize those who are not so lucky. They blamed those poor people they deserve that kind of life because of their lazy, unkind, selfish, unfaithful, too curious about new life style and so on. They think those poor people should pay a high price for their pursuits. However, that seemingly happy people are really happy? I believe most of them are not happy in fact. However, they must pretend to be happy because they have lost their courage to change their life. They have lost their dreams. They dare not live bravely. They dare not pay a high price for what they really want. They envy other's freedom and try to find fault with those just for a unreal compensation.

 

Today I read a sentence, " Happiness is not a place we can stay. it just passed us. "

 

Those happy people could never understand life deeply and could not have sympathy for other's suffer in the world. They could not live a wonderful life because they have no aspiration. Their life is like a still pool. But I like surging sea! I wish I could get home through the stormy water. I don't want just experience silence in my whole life. I know I might get hurt badly, I know. I have got hurt badly already. I still hope to get on.

 

Last time my mother told me on the phone, " you are still too naive and childlike. Hard life taught nothing to you? try to condiser more for yourself. " Because I told her I would try my best to get some money to help my ex-husband to cure for his disease when he was in need.

 

I resent nobody. I would like to give a hand to those who do need my help only if I could. I still won't like some people nevertheless. You cannot pretend you like some people in the world. Not all people are cast  in the same  mould. We have right to dislike some people, but we don't need to resent

Now it is almost 10:00pm. Now I am weeping but nobody knows.

 

No matter how I persuade myself to love others, tolerate others...... I still cannot like some people. I resent nobody, but I want to stay away from some people.

 

I wish I could stay alone always. I wish I could afford a house of my own so that I don't need to share a room with others! I cannot accustom to deal with complicated relationship. I wish I could find a place to hide. I wish I could run away.

 

But, where should I hide myself?

I went back to see my son in his school today. When I arrived there, it was lunch time. I spent two hours with my son together. I have bought some clothes and food for him. He was very delighted to see me. He got his fairy tales book from his desk and read for me. He told me something about his story books and his study. However, my son is very shy. He is a very introverted boy. He would not tell me something without my request. And today one of his classmate's elder sister who is in 6 grade class this primary school asked me to lend her some money. I was so surprised. We never met before and she asked me for money...... She said, " Aoao(my son's name) , your parents haven't divorced. Your mother haven't deserted you. Now your mother is next to you. Look, your mother have bought you so pretty clothes and decious foods...... " I discovered this girl is not a very good girl. And I asked my son if this girl often asked him for money. My son said yes and he didn't dare to ask her to repay. My son is just 7-year-old this year...... Now I can understand why he fought with a boy last semester...... I feel very guilty to my son. My son study good in school......

Last night I dreamt of my son. He looked like a 3-year-old boy in my dream. I know why he appeared in this way in my dreams many times. I left him when he was 3. I could not remember his immage accurately after his 3 though I had seen him a few times after his 3. Every time I woke up from my dream of my son, I always felt terrible. I realized clearly that he drives me away.

 

Could not concentrate on study today. Have bought train ticket for my son's place in the afternoon. My boy, do not forget me......

Alex has come back in Boston and sent me an email tonight. He is a so wise man...... He is right: only when one is confident enough and sufficient enough, it is possible to love someone truly. Only in this case, the love can come out of one's own free will but not for anything else reasons which have nothing to do with true love.

He is abosolutely right......

This morning we had oral english class. The teacher is from USA and he is a very playful man. Today we learnt how to describle our dream lovers. A very interesting topic, right?

I read English articles online this afternoon and study Japanese language. In the evening I am going to read a book about how to identify an ancient book. For damn english study, I leave little time to study my major and I know that will not be a good thing.

I haven't praised myself and others for a few days. I have to continue that work...... My supervisor suggested that and thought that would be very helpful. I hope so. However, there are always some bad things happened in the society...... Sometimes I could not in a mood to praise myself or others, just think we are all evils...... We seldom care about others......

Have to try to be a better person......

 

Today I called my mother in my hometown from my office. My mother told me there is a serious drought in my hometown. I know last year the people there suffered from a severe drought . And the wet days flied away like agile birds, now the nightmare have come back there again.

My father is a cancer patient. Last week I sent some money to him and asked him to go to hosiptal to have an examination. My father told me yesterday the result would be known at a few days later. And today my mother complaint of the drought to me.

Oh, what can I do? I can do nothing to relieve their pain. The lasting drought, the failed crops, the hopleless life...... I can understand what pressure they are under, but I can not be helpful.

Tonight I read some articles about the reasons for deadly drought in Shi Chuan Province. Many people exemplified that the Three Gorges Dam is the major reason that causes the lasting drought.

I also read a blog which is written by an journalist questioned why representative at The Chinese People's Political Consultative Conference (CPPCC) and  the National People's Congress (NPC) didn't give first priority to some urgent problems. I am also wondering why...... Now I quote a few paragraph she wrote below(her blog address is http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/46e9d5da010006v4

今年看两会代表，只能够透过媒体，而了解他们的工作，当然最重要的是看他们的大会发言以及所做的提案。有政协代表提出“汉服“作为国服，并且获得了人大代表的呼应，应该用“汉服”作为学位服。也有人大代表要求星巴克撤出故宫，尽管是过去了的话题，但是因为人大代表这个身份的重要性，海外媒体当然不敢放过。既然身为立法的一分子，有时间关心如此细微的问题，我当然对他们抱有期望，期望代表们能够关心更多的，真正关系到民生的问题。

两会期间，各地方发生的事情一点点也不少。东北的暴风雪，让当地的交通系统几乎瘫痪，四川的春旱，根据官方的最新统计，全省已有112万人、147万头牲畜出现饮水困难，重旱区有10多万人靠送水解决饮水困难。3月22日，辽宁省抚顺的矿难，造成了作业人员22人死亡，7人下落不明。就在这两天，湖南永州，民众抗议当地客运公司加价，最终爆发警民冲突。

(闾丘露薇 ROSE GARDEN)

Every weekend I feel blue. I hate my job and I cannot live without this part time job. The atmosphere in the office is very oppressed. My boss's seat is just behind me. I could sense her staring at me through my back. I like to stay alone. Other's staring torture me so much.

Came back in the dorm and checked some emails. My supervisor recommended some helpful website address to me in the email. He is so kind. However, how can find so much time to do so many things? I want to do more, I do want, I don't want to lag behind other classmates too much. I don't want to disappoint my supervisor. I don't want to disappoint myself.

Some girls came to my dorm tonight. They talked about English study and other studies. I felt worse. Why should I close myself in a dark and cold room? They are enjoying the life, study hard and play hard. Why can't I find time and engergy and money to do something I really want to do? I have been just busy with making a living.

Wrote an emial to Alex tonight to tell this to him. Could he understand my feeling?