With a vacant stare  

     A sudden shower at noon made my mind so clear and comfortable. I carried my son to school on my bike quickly for fear that I would be drenched with when I got here. It is only too natural a day for me to share with others.

    I read JANE EYRE by Charlotte Bronte this afternoon and I was impressed with her attempt to advertise for a job as a tutor, in order to run away from the choking atmosphere in Lowood. She successfully got the response and was helped by her friends and even Brocklehurst, who was in charge of the institution.

    Sitting in my office and looking out of the windows, I find the sky bright after the sudden shower. Seemingly there is hope beyond the sky. However there is not even a weak flicker of hope for me. A serene composure of mind is all that I want now.

    We came to the world, with some missions to perform. Nevertheless I just don’t know what the missions are. Frequently my ambition to find something to live on is thwarted.

    I am nobody but a failure, so often accused of nurturing a belief in nothingness.

At noon when I was at home and watched TV, a program about a fire moved me so much.

On the evening, a fire broke out in a family. Mr. Zhao, the father, called his wife and daughter to rush to the door to escape. However it was too late for them to run out successfully. Threatened by the fire, they had to retreat to the porch for temporary shelter. The fire was sending fierce flames in every direction, threatening to devour anybody inside the room.

Without anything to resort to for protection, the father held his wife tightly, the mother the daughter, despite the fact that the fire was scorching them at first, and then swiftly burnt them. No one knows for sure in what a miserable situation they were! Finally the firemen came to their rescue. They managed to cut the fences off with a saw and brought them out.

The family was sent to the hospital as quickly as possible. Tragically, the father was diagnosed as mentally wounded, with 90% of his body burnt. Thanks to his protection, his wife was 60% wounded and his daughter only 10%. The report finally came out that the father was dead.

I was moved by the story that the father would lay his life down for his wife and his daughter. Just think, in what a state the father has been when the fire was burning him, while he had a firm belief that it was his divine responsibility to save his family, simply because he was the protector of it.

    A lot of people have become famous overnight because of the catastrophical earthquake, some for their donation of large sums of money to Sichuan; some for their heroic feats in rescuing the victims; and some for their painstaking relief work done for the suffering survivors after the earthquake, however, the guy in the photo above, has become well-known for his swift runaway when the disaster came.

asdjflksa

    I don't know what the reason is. I am feeling that I am becoming decadent.

    I set no goal in my life. What I do every day is to finish my job and then nothing else is done. I am not so old as not to do anything in my life. I know I should do something. I don't know. As a teacher there is nothing significant for me to do. What is the worst, I am tired of the present education system. Even the government officials of Educational department, are only concerned about the possibility for a rise in ranks. Most of the government officials are corrupt. Even a petty official who is in charge of something makes every effort to obtain financial benefits from the society.

    Our new country has a history of only about fifty years. however, as many people know, has been corrupt to the last core. Even though from the latest reports about the earthquake that there are a lot of officials have been making their efforts for the society, espeicically those victims in SiChuan.

    What should i do? Should i waste this life in this way? I don't know.

A terrible catastrophe

An earthquake happened in Sichuan. Plenty of people were killed or injured. The government, especially the Prime Minister of China Wen Jiabao, has been in Wenchuan, with the People’s Liberation Army soldiers to rescue the people still stung in the debris.

Most of my colleagues, including me, show great sympathy for the people who are suffering there, and great respect for the soldiers who have come to the rescue to the people there. Surfing the internet, we will find a lot of information or report about the earthquake instantly. From some of the pictures we know what has happening catastrophically there. A lot of the buildings, especially the schools and hospitals have been leveled to the ground.

Look at the pictures above and we will see what is really happening there. The pictures are what the rescue work was happening in the earthquake. Watching pictures and we all feel depressed.

Here I want to ask, as is asked by a lot of people on line, why buildings at school and hospital have been torn down. why haven’t the government buildings? Schools and hospitals are normally neglected by the government. Many of the buildings are only evidences of scandal and corruption. However, unscrupulous builder and the government officials forget that schools and hospitals are the most populated places, although the people who are living in these places are only neglected or looked down upon by them. Watching what is happening to the primary children here, will they feel a twinge of conscience? Most of the government buildings are safely intact. Needless to say that nothing like harm has been done to the officials who live in the offices.

What is wrong with human relations?

I got back home very late last night. It might be 12 o’clock after the party. What was the worst, I didn’t sleep well. I tossed and turned restlessly in bed until the dawn of the morning. So now I am feeling very tired and sleepy.

What is the reason for us to drink a lot of wine, to impair our health both mentally and physically? People are the most generous and benevolent at a party. They will try to persuade others to drink instead of themselves, though the more we drink, the more they will pay. What an absurd and ridiculous phenomenon it is!

Nowadays human relations largely rest on money. My classmate, the closest and most intimate friend of mine, asked me to have dinner in compensation for his help I asked for. The dinner cost me eight hundred Yuan. What matters is not money itself actually. I am in doubt that friendship should be built on money. I have helped him. But I didn’t ask him to pay for my dinner. I only thought that we were friends, so I had the duty to try my best to help him. It would profane the term of friendship if I asked him to pay for my dinner. Whenever I think of this, I can’t help feeling sad.

Is it true that we are living in a market economy and therefore everything should be evaluated by money? I don’t know. I only feel that something is missing when we have to pay money for a help asked or offered. Perhaps I will be seen as naïve and innocent by others. But this is my opinion on friendship. I have to console myself that there are still others who won’t help you at all even you entreat him.

I have a classmate. He is a red apple in fortune’ eye. He is quite a government official now. We have been very good friends. However, it is only because I was not as obedient and respectful after drinking some wine that he said bad words behind my back, sometimes even to my leaders, which impaired my relation with my leaders. What have become of human relations? I just don’t know and understand.

    As a teacher of fifteen years of experience, I feel that there are so many things to say. However all work no play has made me nobody but a dumb, slow, passive fellow. All the energy, vitality, strength seems to have left me. The same monotonous, dull, unchanged and busy weekly cycle repeats itself. Only occasionally there are surging feelings about my work, or more exactly, education within me, set my hand to the pen. As a result, after a certain period of time I browse my webblog that I find there are certain articles all centering on education. I would like to bring them here as a collection for others’ comments.

        We met a swindler

One of my friend, who has just been demobilized from the army and wished to get a decent job from the regional government, asked me to make some necessary credentials to ensure the success in obtaining the job. I agreed. Another friend advised us to ask favor from those who do counterfeiting after a long time consideration. We knew it was wrong. However in order to get the job, we decided to have a try.

Yesterday we both took to the streets and got some phone numbers from the wall on both sides of the street. We tried several of them. Most of them are not numbers of our region. Finally I got one of our region. We called several times and finally we got through. The boss asked us to wait at a certain place for some time and he would send someone over to fetch the copy which was necessary for the counterfeiting. We waited for a long time and failed to see anyone turned up. So we dropped the plan to meet him.

We tried another one. The boss asked us to send what was necessary via a preservation counter in Yinzuo Supermarked, the earnest money was also included in it. We did accordingly and sent the code to the boss through our cell phone.

This morning the boss called us to say that all what was wanted by us was ready. He asked us to get them in the Post Office. We arrived there duly and mailed the rest of the money to him through the post office. After all that had been finished, we called the boss for the credentials. After confirming that they had got all the money, the boss required for another 1000 Yuan with the excuse that the deliverer might be at danger. The money was the insurance money for his safety. This was sheer and arrant pretext. We knew at that time that we had been swindled.

Without any intention to continue the game, we rebuffed his requirement for money. We told him that we relinquished the 100Yuan which had already been sent to him and we wanted the original draft of the credentials. We were refused. Till then we had realized that we had met an arrant swindler.

Fortunately the loss was not great, only 100 Yuan. My friend was let down a little. On our way back I appeased him. That is the first time in my life that we have been swindled.

      An outrageous beast

http://news.163.com/08/0501/05/4AR958SD0001121M.html

If you would like, you may read the news on Wangyi. I think it is the most outrageous beast in human history. He is really a villain, the most unscrupulous, inhuman, incestuous, beast. What he did harm is his daughter. She was held captive in the basement by him for 24 years and sexually abused by him during the years. He even fathered the seven children of hers.

I am greatly indignant about the news. I don’t know how you may feel. The indignation is beyond any words.

Like so many others, I have so many doubts. How could he hide the truth from all his closest relations for so long? How could he provide for them during the 24 years? How could he explain the three children that had been brought to the earth? Why didn’t they disclose the truth and have their mother rescued? …… Words just fail me. I am suffocated because of the indignation.

Anyone with senses can surmise what a life Elizabeth, the daughter had lived during the period of time, and what sufferings she had undergone and borne with her. The vicious, barbarous beast must be a lunatic. He shouldn’t belong to the human race. He is not even an animal. He should only be a beast, an incurable and irremissible beast. He should be hanged instantly and let his smelly bones and flesh be the food to wolves. If I may meet him face to face, I will send him to where he should be, even at the cost of my own life.

The two sons, when brought to the earth, were only too much amazed at the sight of a rising moon. What a pathetic story it is! I am only too curious about the patience and tolerance of Elizabeth, the daughter. Why should she have been so meekly accepting the inhuman and atrocious treatment? Why didn’t she steal any chance to get recued, even for the sake of her children?

As is disclosed, the father is exercised tyrannical dictatorship in the family. No one is expected to show the least sign of discontent, let alone rebellion. So that is in a way, the bitter fruit of tyranny.

I have no idea of what a trial or punishment the father will undergo. What I know is only that the father should reap what he has so bitterly sowed. He should be sentenced to death.

                    I am feeling so tired

Today is a fine day. After three continuous classes, I returned to my desk and felt so tired.

Is it because of the fact that I have been too old to be full of strength? I don’t know. But from time to time I feel so tired after working for a long time or simply overwork, unlike how I was feeling. Should I know better to amuse and relax a little even when a task is oncoming?

It is so obvious that we are strong only when we are young. I am only in my thirties. There are quite some years in front of me. Why should I feel that I am like an old man, strength spent?

Watching the grass and trees which are tender green, I can’t feel exhilarated at the new lives that have been sprouting. They send fragrance into the air and we can have a good taste of it.

Am I like an autumn leaf that is threatened by the oncoming frosty winter?

     Many thanks to a friend’s advice

Several days ago my friend, Laocao advised me to look to the positive side of all things and try to enjoy life.

I owe a lot of appreciation for his advice. Sometimes I feel a little down, especially when it is cloudy and therefore gloomy. I know I should not let the weather have much impact on my attitude towards life. At times I simply can’t hold control over myself.

It is really true that every day we have is a holy, divine gift from god. We should enjoy every day when we are healthy physically and mentally and should not moan. It is foolish of us to moan over the trivial and petty matters.

I will enjoy every day as much as possible.

            Where are you?

Where are you now, Monica?

You have been away for so long a time that you should return now. I don’t know what has happened to you or what are you busy with?

It was so boisterous when you are here. We can hear different voices. But now here it becomes a clammy, stagnant place. The monotony and stagnant atmosphere combine to let me down. After writing each article I have been waiting for you to have a comment on.

What I would like to listen is a different voice. As Chinese we were born here in China, brought up here, educated here. What we see, read, or are taught is always the same thing. So I like different voices. They are not only fresh, but also make our mind open up to the outside.

There should be no final judgment that one’s opinion is right or wrong. No one should make any hasty generalizations. We should put forward our opinions and wait for others to show their own. We write and let others write. I think this is democracy.

I am reluctant to do anything

For several days I haven’t felt like doing anything. Lethargy overwhelms me. I don’t know what the reason is.

I am afraid that depression may take control over me and render me reluctant to do anything. It is so difficult for me to find anything significant to do every day except teaching, which is my duty since I live on it.

Day in day out, time is running away. I know in this way my life is consuming itself. Sometimes helplessly I would reach my hand to hold it back in my dreams.

I should find something meaningful to live on, rather than let time go by without anything done.

    Why am I so pessimistic?

More often than not, in my dreams and in reality a specter looms large to me. I don’t know if the same thing happens to others. I am always depressed and made pessimistic about life by it.

Ever since childhood I have the pungent experience of being forlorn. On so many nights I remained alone, deserted and afraid of all unfathomable things around me. Most probably this experience has built something into my character and personality.

Five of my immediate family members have passed away since I graduated from the university, among them there were my mother and my younger sister. Death has never stopped stalking me. Watching their last minute to come has always been the last thing for me to stand up to. Even now I can still remember before the last minute came, my mother tried every effort to get up a little with the help of her elbow and watched me. She must have something to say. But she was incapacitated to do so since the ghastly disease had encroached upon every tissue of hers and rendered her a dying person.

All of them, especially my younger sister and my mother, have brought me depressing memories and made me keenly aware of the ever existence of the spectral death. I am excruciatingly conscious of the fact that one day or another, I am doomed to be taken away to the other side of the world, which remains a mystery to me. There has never be a returned passenger from the place.

Whenever I think of this, I lose heart in doing everything. What can I be supposed to do in contrast to the sure and steady steps of the death spirit itself. We can live but temporarily in the mundane world. So is there any reason to justify our fussing over any insignificant and trivial matters?

All is nothing before death. It levels all on the earth.   

That is the very reason that I fear nothing however I am disinterested in any trivial matters.

       After a quarrel with my wife

When we were at table having breakfast, we chatted randomly. One of my remarks made my wife misunderstand me. She was so easily touched and I became angry with her too. After a swift breakfast I slipped my coat up over my head and opened the door and went out.

Recently we have been so easily annoyed at each other. It is our son’s protestation that pacified us several times. My son has played the role of the Peace Keeper of the UN does. So often he entreated us to stop quarreling and it was for his sake that we both ceased.

Still angry with my wife’s grouchy behavīor, I wondered in the street aimlessly. With nowhere to go, I saw the bus coming. I got on the bus and headed towards the commercial center of our city.

When I got there, I went to the Department Store and loitered it is for some time. Without any intention to buy anything, I convenienced myself in WC and then went out. I went to another Store and spent some time there. Then again I turned around and left for a bookstore. I was like a loafer in the street, easily led astray at the very moment.

After arrival at the store, I felt a little tired. Sitting down in one corner in the book store, I looked through all of the latest magazines and read whatever tantalizing to me.

It was near lunchtime. My wife called me several times. Still unrecovered from the conflict, I didn’t give an answer. Imbuing myself with some news and the latest events reported in the magazines, I forgot the time. Unaware of the elapse of time, when I looked up I found it was already four o’clock in the afternoon. It was quite late. I felt a little hungry. My anger eased a little by the time. So I decided to return home.

I returned at about half past four in the afternoon. Before I reached home I received a call from my wife and I gave the answer.

Now I am at home and have got reconciled with my wife. What a childish joke it is!

What is wrong with shanghaiese?

While I am overwhelmed by the outrageous blog by the unscrupulous foreign teacher in Shanghai, another report came to me that an American, who has been in Shanghai on business, has had affairs with at least three hundred women there. I am shocked by it.

The scoundrel, who taught in a university in shanghai, vowed that he has had sex with a lot of women in shanghai, most of them are his students. Shamelessly he even announced that it was his freedom and right to make love to anyone who is a grownup. I have never been abroad so I don’t know if it is true that in western countries, especially in America, a teacher can have sex with his students and it is his inviolate right and freedom. In order to cover up his base wrongdoings, he even listed several cases in China about the abuse of students to prove that the educational system of China is low. In my mind, he is just a man of no scruple, a base, mean, shameless and arrant villain. Some of the students are still unmarried. So they still lack experience in life, especially in sex. And the villain confessed that he simply seduced them. He even pokes fun at the tradition in China that a girl should keep her virginity for her marriage. He hates such a tradition simply because it is a hindrance to his seduction of his still young, naïve and innocent students. It is only an excuse.

The ladies, no matter married or unmarried, are no worthless whores. They were only too easy to be seduced by the villain. What do they desire of the stupid, shameless foreigner, simply because he is white?

The raw, primitive descrīption of the affairs outraged me. I would have killed the villain instantly if he is accessible to me.
    Today from the line I heart another similar story. This rogue is from America too. He proudly put all his videos and pictures of his sex with more than three hundred ladies in Shanghai on line. Some of them are hookers. But a lot of them are innocent, chastise ladies from common families. I have no idea how the rogue will feel if such things happened to his wife.

I am doubtful about the quality of all the Americans now, for whom I have had quite great respect. Are all Americans such low, base, disgusting, licentious people? If so, such a nation should be condemned. If not, the country should issue a law to have these two villains executed, since they have dishonored a great nation, sullied her reputation.

While condemning the buffoons, who are nothing but base animals that know nothing but thrust their organs to ladies, I can’t feel ashamed of the ladies who have had affairs with them. Why are they willing to offer their bodies to the animals? I can understand if they are only whores and they have done that for money. But most of them are not. They are ordinary citizens who are either chaste, innocent students or housewives with decent jobs. They are clean. Why should they be disflowered obediently? If not they might accuse the two villains of rape. But now we can do nothing to them except to show our indignation here. They have done nothing but agreed or at least acquiesced at the actions of the two villains.

What is wrong with you, all shanghaiese? It is admitted by all that you are all people of high quality. Why should you accept such a misdoing done do to you? I am ashamed of you, shanghaiese ladies.

    What does life mean to us?

Life is full of complications and contradictions to me. I don’t know what it really means to others.

Albert Einstein’s words told me a lot and prevented me from so many vapid and meaningless and endless medications and contemplations on it.

We were born to the earth, with no special aims. It is not like what is preached by some we have some holy missions to fulfill in this life. We are nothing but some kind of creature, a little different from other species since we are intelligent, imaginative and can think into the future. We can make plans for our future and we can do something spiritually fulfilling, which is beyond the powers of other species.

The fundamental tasks of most other species are searching for food and sleeping. We can do a little more than that. However in so doing we can’t say we are happier than them. Since too often than not, ignorance can stop us from being hurt. While enjoying the spiritual side of thing we are both made happy and sad. For example, the other animals don’t know what will happen after they depart. However we can clearly know that there is nothing but a permanent dark void after this life, which as a cruel fact intimidates us. 

That is why we cheat ourselves every day that life is full of glorious and meaningful things that we can have a desire for and try to attain. In this kind of self-delusion we may forget the punishment that has been doomed to impose upon us since we came to the world.  

Life is only something a little more than survival and that is perhaps the meaningful, the spiritual side of it.

I know we are all made of flesh and blood and one day or the other there is a disappearance of all, which makes my heart be laden with sorrow. I don’t what life really is and how I should live this life. Pensively in a vacancy I am whenever I think of this. Time and again I am sweated all over in the depth of the night when sleep fails me and I muse over such unsought-for medications.

To live a life as simple and innocent as possible is an idealistic style of life, just like what Tao Yuanming led. Nevertheless, surrounded by the clamors of the city, we can not find the place to live a life as a hermit.

You cleverest, please tell me what life really means.

On reading the depressing news

A girl, who was from Henan, died a tragic death in Guangdong several days again. She was still young and at the prime time of hers. She should have had a prosperous career, since according to her friend she was a promising actor, who had contracted with a film-producing company.

Her photos were disclosed on web. Her amazing beauty was showed to the public. For what reason has she been thrown out the window of the thirtieth floor I don’t know. What I do know is that she was half-naked hanging from the thirtieth floor, frightfully there, bleeding.

Some accused her of prostitution. Some even abused her by pouring bad words for her alleged wrongdoing.

No matter what kind of women she was, she was one of our country folk. It is said that she has sold body to three Koreans and got a single pay. So during the strife she was thrown out of the window. She must have been inhumanly abused. I am so depressed at the fact that a lot of the people, who are all her fellow citizens, showed so much disgust for her and not the least sympathy.

What is wrong with our fellow citizens? The three villains have gone away and are still at large. The local public security administration has simply announced that it was only an accident, without any misdemeanor involved.

Alas! No matter what the reason is, can you believe that the lady has committed suicide in that way? Fools may believe that. Why a life should be trifled with? What is more, she was a fellow citizen of ours. What would happen if it had been a female Korean who has been abused by three Chinese men? Forgive me if I have given a very improper suggestion. Should life in China be taken so lightly simply because we have so large a population?

I don’t know and I am very sad about the tragic death of the lady.

A Professor from Beijing University

Today a professor from Beijing University came to our school on a research project.

At the preparatory meeting with the head-teachers of each class, the professor told us some theories on education, especially between the relation of the school and the parents of the students. Some of the theories are useful.

He said that most of the parents are well aware of the policies and laws of the present day. And they are always ready and at alert to accuse the school of anything unfavorable with their parents in their eyes. For example, if their kids make mistakes and are punished, they will directly protest that their kids have been misused. If their kids are doing well at school, they will say that their kids are clever. If things are on the other side, they will claim that the school should be put to blame for malpractice.

He also said that the economic development of a region is not in harmony with the development of the education. Some economically prosperous areas such as Guangdong and Shanghai, the parents are not as keen on education as those who live in back-developed areas. Their aims are mainly on providing good housing and living conditions for the students. Under such conditions the students are too much pampered and irresponsible and a lot of other problems have ensued.

The third thing he talked on is about a misinterpretation of the parents. They often think education of their kids is something the school should do and therefore they have nothing to do with it. This lack of family education or a proper cooperation from the parents has made the children difficult to teach.

The fourth thing he touched upon is about the heavy pressure the parents put on their kids. I have written an article on it too. Many of the parents think that they should achieve more in their life however they have either missed or lost. There is nothing wrong for them to think so. Nevertheless, they have a high desire to make their kids to have their dreams come true. As a result, a lot of the kids are forced to learn to play the piano, to learn drawing and even calligraphy, or other thing as well as all the subjects at school.

What he centered upon are all things relevant to our work. We are all very glad to attend to such a meeting. I only wish he could successfully persuade the parents of our students a little at the following parents’ meeting.