I am feeling so tired

Today is a fine day. After three continuous classes, I returned to my desk and felt so tired.

Is it because of the fact that I have been too old to be full of strength? I don’t know. But from time to time I feel so tired after working for a long time or simply overwork, unlike how I was feeling. Should I know better to amuse and relax a little even when a task is oncoming?

It is so obvious that we are strong only when we are young. I am only in my thirties. There are quite some years in front of me. Why should I feel that I am like an old man, strength spent?

Watching the grass and trees which are tender green, I can’t feel exhilarated at the new lives that have been sprouting. They send fragrance into the air and we can have a good taste of it.

Am I like an autumn leaf that is threatened by the oncoming frosty winter?

     Many thanks to a friend’s advice

Several days ago my friend, Laocao advised me to look to the positive side of all things and try to enjoy life.

I owe a lot of appreciation for his advice. Sometimes I feel a little down, especially when it is cloudy and therefore gloomy. I know I should not let the weather have much impact on my attitude towards life. At times I simply can’t hold control over myself.

It is really true that every day we have is a holy, divine gift from god. We should enjoy every day when we are healthy physically and mentally and should not moan. It is foolish of us to moan over the trivial and petty matters.

I will enjoy every day as much as possible.

            Where are you?

Where are you now, Monica?

You have been away for so long a time that you should return now. I don’t know what has happened to you or what are you busy with?

It was so boisterous when you are here. We can hear different voices. But now here it becomes a clammy, stagnant place. The monotony and stagnant atmosphere combine to let me down. After writing each article I have been waiting for you to have a comment on.

What I would like to listen is a different voice. As Chinese we were born here in China, brought up here, educated here. What we see, read, or are taught is always the same thing. So I like different voices. They are not only fresh, but also make our mind open up to the outside.

There should be no final judgment that one’s opinion is right or wrong. No one should make any hasty generalizations. We should put forward our opinions and wait for others to show their own. We write and let others write. I think this is democracy.

I am reluctant to do anything

For several days I haven’t felt like doing anything. Lethargy overwhelms me. I don’t know what the reason is.

I am afraid that depression may take control over me and render me reluctant to do anything. It is so difficult for me to find anything significant to do every day except teaching, which is my duty since I live on it.

Day in day out, time is running away. I know in this way my life is consuming itself. Sometimes helplessly I would reach my hand to hold it back in my dreams.

I should find something meaningful to live on, rather than let time go by without anything done.

    Why am I so pessimistic?

More often than not, in my dreams and in reality a specter looms large to me. I don’t know if the same thing happens to others. I am always depressed and made pessimistic about life by it.

Ever since childhood I have the pungent experience of being forlorn. On so many nights I remained alone, deserted and afraid of all unfathomable things around me. Most probably this experience has built something into my character and personality.

Five of my immediate family members have passed away since I graduated from the university, among them there were my mother and my younger sister. Death has never stopped stalking me. Watching their last minute to come has always been the last thing for me to stand up to. Even now I can still remember before the last minute came, my mother tried every effort to get up a little with the help of her elbow and watched me. She must have something to say. But she was incapacitated to do so since the ghastly disease had encroached upon every tissue of hers and rendered her a dying person.

All of them, especially my younger sister and my mother, have brought me depressing memories and made me keenly aware of the ever existence of the spectral death. I am excruciatingly conscious of the fact that one day or another, I am doomed to be taken away to the other side of the world, which remains a mystery to me. There has never be a returned passenger from the place.

Whenever I think of this, I lose heart in doing everything. What can I be supposed to do in contrast to the sure and steady steps of the death spirit itself. We can live but temporarily in the mundane world. So is there any reason to justify our fussing over any insignificant and trivial matters?

All is nothing before death. It levels all on the earth.   

That is the very reason that I fear nothing however I am disinterested in any trivial matters.

       After a quarrel with my wife

When we were at table having breakfast, we chatted randomly. One of my remarks made my wife misunderstand me. She was so easily touched and I became angry with her too. After a swift breakfast I slipped my coat up over my head and opened the door and went out.

Recently we have been so easily annoyed at each other. It is our son’s protestation that pacified us several times. My son has played the role of the Peace Keeper of the UN does. So often he entreated us to stop quarreling and it was for his sake that we both ceased.

Still angry with my wife’s grouchy behavīor, I wondered in the street aimlessly. With nowhere to go, I saw the bus coming. I got on the bus and headed towards the commercial center of our city.

When I got there, I went to the Department Store and loitered it is for some time. Without any intention to buy anything, I convenienced myself in WC and then went out. I went to another Store and spent some time there. Then again I turned around and left for a bookstore. I was like a loafer in the street, easily led astray at the very moment.

After arrival at the store, I felt a little tired. Sitting down in one corner in the book store, I looked through all of the latest magazines and read whatever tantalizing to me.

It was near lunchtime. My wife called me several times. Still unrecovered from the conflict, I didn’t give an answer. Imbuing myself with some news and the latest events reported in the magazines, I forgot the time. Unaware of the elapse of time, when I looked up I found it was already four o’clock in the afternoon. It was quite late. I felt a little hungry. My anger eased a little by the time. So I decided to return home.

I returned at about half past four in the afternoon. Before I reached home I received a call from my wife and I gave the answer.

Now I am at home and have got reconciled with my wife. What a childish joke it is!

What is wrong with shanghaiese?

While I am overwhelmed by the outrageous blog by the unscrupulous foreign teacher in Shanghai, another report came to me that an American, who has been in Shanghai on business, has had affairs with at least three hundred women there. I am shocked by it.

The scoundrel, who taught in a university in shanghai, vowed that he has had sex with a lot of women in shanghai, most of them are his students. Shamelessly he even announced that it was his freedom and right to make love to anyone who is a grownup. I have never been abroad so I don’t know if it is true that in western countries, especially in America, a teacher can have sex with his students and it is his inviolate right and freedom. In order to cover up his base wrongdoings, he even listed several cases in China about the abuse of students to prove that the educational system of China is low. In my mind, he is just a man of no scruple, a base, mean, shameless and arrant villain. Some of the students are still unmarried. So they still lack experience in life, especially in sex. And the villain confessed that he simply seduced them. He even pokes fun at the tradition in China that a girl should keep her virginity for her marriage. He hates such a tradition simply because it is a hindrance to his seduction of his still young, naïve and innocent students. It is only an excuse.

The ladies, no matter married or unmarried, are no worthless whores. They were only too easy to be seduced by the villain. What do they desire of the stupid, shameless foreigner, simply because he is white?

The raw, primitive descrīption of the affairs outraged me. I would have killed the villain instantly if he is accessible to me.
    Today from the line I heart another similar story. This rogue is from America too. He proudly put all his videos and pictures of his sex with more than three hundred ladies in Shanghai on line. Some of them are hookers. But a lot of them are innocent, chastise ladies from common families. I have no idea how the rogue will feel if such things happened to his wife.

I am doubtful about the quality of all the Americans now, for whom I have had quite great respect. Are all Americans such low, base, disgusting, licentious people? If so, such a nation should be condemned. If not, the country should issue a law to have these two villains executed, since they have dishonored a great nation, sullied her reputation.

While condemning the buffoons, who are nothing but base animals that know nothing but thrust their organs to ladies, I can’t feel ashamed of the ladies who have had affairs with them. Why are they willing to offer their bodies to the animals? I can understand if they are only whores and they have done that for money. But most of them are not. They are ordinary citizens who are either chaste, innocent students or housewives with decent jobs. They are clean. Why should they be disflowered obediently? If not they might accuse the two villains of rape. But now we can do nothing to them except to show our indignation here. They have done nothing but agreed or at least acquiesced at the actions of the two villains.

What is wrong with you, all shanghaiese? It is admitted by all that you are all people of high quality. Why should you accept such a misdoing done do to you? I am ashamed of you, shanghaiese ladies.

    What does life mean to us?

Life is full of complications and contradictions to me. I don’t know what it really means to others.

Albert Einstein’s words told me a lot and prevented me from so many vapid and meaningless and endless medications and contemplations on it.

We were born to the earth, with no special aims. It is not like what is preached by some we have some holy missions to fulfill in this life. We are nothing but some kind of creature, a little different from other species since we are intelligent, imaginative and can think into the future. We can make plans for our future and we can do something spiritually fulfilling, which is beyond the powers of other species.

The fundamental tasks of most other species are searching for food and sleeping. We can do a little more than that. However in so doing we can’t say we are happier than them. Since too often than not, ignorance can stop us from being hurt. While enjoying the spiritual side of thing we are both made happy and sad. For example, the other animals don’t know what will happen after they depart. However we can clearly know that there is nothing but a permanent dark void after this life, which as a cruel fact intimidates us. 

That is why we cheat ourselves every day that life is full of glorious and meaningful things that we can have a desire for and try to attain. In this kind of self-delusion we may forget the punishment that has been doomed to impose upon us since we came to the world.  

Life is only something a little more than survival and that is perhaps the meaningful, the spiritual side of it.

I know we are all made of flesh and blood and one day or the other there is a disappearance of all, which makes my heart be laden with sorrow. I don’t what life really is and how I should live this life. Pensively in a vacancy I am whenever I think of this. Time and again I am sweated all over in the depth of the night when sleep fails me and I muse over such unsought-for medications.

To live a life as simple and innocent as possible is an idealistic style of life, just like what Tao Yuanming led. Nevertheless, surrounded by the clamors of the city, we can not find the place to live a life as a hermit.

You cleverest, please tell me what life really means.

On reading the depressing news

A girl, who was from Henan, died a tragic death in Guangdong several days again. She was still young and at the prime time of hers. She should have had a prosperous career, since according to her friend she was a promising actor, who had contracted with a film-producing company.

Her photos were disclosed on web. Her amazing beauty was showed to the public. For what reason has she been thrown out the window of the thirtieth floor I don’t know. What I do know is that she was half-naked hanging from the thirtieth floor, frightfully there, bleeding.

Some accused her of prostitution. Some even abused her by pouring bad words for her alleged wrongdoing.

No matter what kind of women she was, she was one of our country folk. It is said that she has sold body to three Koreans and got a single pay. So during the strife she was thrown out of the window. She must have been inhumanly abused. I am so depressed at the fact that a lot of the people, who are all her fellow citizens, showed so much disgust for her and not the least sympathy.

What is wrong with our fellow citizens? The three villains have gone away and are still at large. The local public security administration has simply announced that it was only an accident, without any misdemeanor involved.

Alas! No matter what the reason is, can you believe that the lady has committed suicide in that way? Fools may believe that. Why a life should be trifled with? What is more, she was a fellow citizen of ours. What would happen if it had been a female Korean who has been abused by three Chinese men? Forgive me if I have given a very improper suggestion. Should life in China be taken so lightly simply because we have so large a population?

I don’t know and I am very sad about the tragic death of the lady.

A Professor from Beijing University

Today a professor from Beijing University came to our school on a research project.

At the preparatory meeting with the head-teachers of each class, the professor told us some theories on education, especially between the relation of the school and the parents of the students. Some of the theories are useful.

He said that most of the parents are well aware of the policies and laws of the present day. And they are always ready and at alert to accuse the school of anything unfavorable with their parents in their eyes. For example, if their kids make mistakes and are punished, they will directly protest that their kids have been misused. If their kids are doing well at school, they will say that their kids are clever. If things are on the other side, they will claim that the school should be put to blame for malpractice.

He also said that the economic development of a region is not in harmony with the development of the education. Some economically prosperous areas such as Guangdong and Shanghai, the parents are not as keen on education as those who live in back-developed areas. Their aims are mainly on providing good housing and living conditions for the students. Under such conditions the students are too much pampered and irresponsible and a lot of other problems have ensued.

The third thing he talked on is about a misinterpretation of the parents. They often think education of their kids is something the school should do and therefore they have nothing to do with it. This lack of family education or a proper cooperation from the parents has made the children difficult to teach.

The fourth thing he touched upon is about the heavy pressure the parents put on their kids. I have written an article on it too. Many of the parents think that they should achieve more in their life however they have either missed or lost. There is nothing wrong for them to think so. Nevertheless, they have a high desire to make their kids to have their dreams come true. As a result, a lot of the kids are forced to learn to play the piano, to learn drawing and even calligraphy, or other thing as well as all the subjects at school.

What he centered upon are all things relevant to our work. We are all very glad to attend to such a meeting. I only wish he could successfully persuade the parents of our students a little at the following parents’ meeting.  

        Sex and Shanghai

Now I am ashamed of my nickname now.

A real scoundrel in Shanghai, who is from Britain and a villain, has lured quite a few ladies. He boastfully bragged about his affairs with the ladies in his weblog. What is the worse, his descrīption of the sex life with the ladies is just so raw and primitive and pornographic. I am feeling just outraged. This man’s confessed that he is a scoundrel.

He is a good-for-nothing villain in his own country. He has come to China to become a teacher in a university. Living a leisurely and free life, he does nothing special everyday except leaving his msn to his students and waiting for them to have contact with him and then tries to have them in bed. He has cheated so many young girls. Why should our government allow such things to happen in China? Why not just expatriate him after cutting off his big cock, of which he is so proud of?

How can such a villain be supposed to be a teacher in a university? He vowed that Teaching is the one job any Westerner can do when he is either incapable or unwilling to do any other job. Our overdue emphasis on English teaching has made it possible for such a villain to make a living in our country.

His vivid descrīption is so outrageous that I just can’t manage to keep calm. After reading it you don’t need to read any pornographic books any more.

Bearing such hatred to him, I can’t help resenting all those who have had affairs with him. They just offered their body to the villain for free, only making him think that all Chinese men are sexually impotent or they have just got so small organs as not to satisfy them. What an insult and humiliation! They are just low whores or hookers. They should be killed instantly.

Someone who cares for democracy so much may protest that all the ladies who did that were out of their free wills and it is no others’ business. If such were democracy, I wouldn’t show any like to it at all.

Whoever likes to read his blog may click this link:

http://chinabounder.blogspot.com/

      What does credit mean?

What does credit mean to us? Everyone has their different answers. But a mother, who is blind, has given it a new explanation.

Zhou lianhui, has lead a poor life for eight years after her husband’s death. In order to pay for what her husband loaned from the local bank, which was only 1000 Yuan, she begged not only for life, but also to pay off the debt. It is only after 8 years that she managed to accomplish the achievement.

For a woman who is blind, what hardship it is to lead a life! But in Zhou Lianhui’s eyes’, she was directly responsible for the load that her husband had left. What a touching scene it must be when the worker in the bank accepted the collection of coins and paper money of little value from the poor blind woman’s hand.

Just as the interviewee said, Zhou Lianhui was even an illiterate. So she must not have been highly conscious of any kind of moral values. She only thought that she was doing what was right and proper for her to do.

Watching her in rags and mud, and being assailed by calculi, I am too much moved by the story. She is honored and pretty rewarded by the society now. The bank and benevolent people donated some money to her, to build a house. A hospital has cured her of her illness for free. Her devastating body is also rehabilitating, which is the most consoling news to anyone who is watching TV.

The story reminds me of my mother, who has been underground for two years. My father died when I was at the age of nine, leaving a younger sister who was 6 and an elder sister who was only 13. My mother had suffered a lot. At that time, life was so hard. Even survivance was difficult. Needless to say, we didn’t have enough to eat ourselves. However whenever a beggar went into our home, my mother would swiftly give a share of our food, which was so scanty and precious to us. I couldn’t understand why she did this. And I even blamed her for that, since sometimes we had to beg for food too and more often than not what we received was only scoff and rebuff. But she only offered our precious food to the beggars and we are simply not better off than them, with the most cordial manners.

My mother’s answer was only this: “All the destitute are in the same boat.”

        The saddest stories!

I read two saddest stories in Wangi.

One of them is a story of murder by an old man who is 60 years old. He killed his newborn granddaughter intentionally by throwing her into Qin Huaihe. His granddaughter was only in the world for several days.

His family had been exhilarated at hearing the news of the successful deliverance to the world of his granddaughter. But the exhilaration didn’t last very long, since the baby was diagnosed as abnormal in both her abdomen and stomach. She received an operation soon after her deliverance. She was even proclaimed by the doctors that she wouldn’t live even if she had not been thrown into the river.

Thinking of the great misery the little baby was suffering from and the expense that would soon ensue, the grandfather made the most difficult decision after a refuted discussion with his son. He threw the baby into Qinhuai River at the acquiescence of his son.

He was suited to the court, together with his son for infanticide and will soon be sentenced. His daughter-in-law, the mother of the little baby, cried a lot at court. While he was reporting what was actually happening, he got down on his knees and expressed his great distress when he was taking the action and the great regret that he is feelings.

Though the baby was so small, she was a life. No one should have deprived her of that unless she would loss it naturally. I can understand fully now what is said about “The law is merciless”.

The other is about a ten-year-old boy’s death. The little boy was singling in a hotel for a living. It was said that customers in the box had forced him to drink a lot of wine, which was most probably the cause of his death. When the little boy was found dead, all the people fled, except one that was as drunk as a log. On reading the story I felt greatly outraged at the miserable destiny of the little boy. He was but ten years old. He was still unable to control his fate. What is more, a boy who should be at school to be educated wouldn’t have been singing for a living at the hotel out of his willingness. He must have been forced to do so, just as he had been forced to drink so much wine. All the customers in the box should be sentenced to death for the most atrocious inhuman doings. Their hearts must be as dark as those of wolves”. Not only did they show no mercy for the sad fortune of the little, but they would make fun of him and finally deprived him of little life.

What is wrong with us human beings nowadays? What do we live in the world for?

Personally I think we should live in the world for the happiness of most of the human beings. I am not a saint. But that is what I think we should do as basically a human being. What would happen to the world if every one of us will laugh at the misfortune of others’? And in what way our world would become if we all did things like the rogues in the hotel?

What do you think of the two saddest stories?

What is wrong with education?

I received several notes to inform me that several marks have been deducted in my class. That is a system in our school that any students that committed mistakes will receive a note to the teacher who is in charge of the class and several marks will be deducted. Whether a teacher, who may be called a headteacher of the class performs his duty well or not will in a large measure depend on how many marks have been deducted in a certain period of time.

A lot of marks have been deducted in my class and I am therefore will be the last one on the list of headteachers and I will certainly be graded the least effective headteacher in our school.

I know as a headteacher I should work conscientiously and devote all my attention and energy to my work. However I am just not in agreement with the system. The students are only too young not to commit any mistakes. What is more, any petty mistakes such as the failure to keep the windows clean will be punished, wherever the dust may come from and fall upon the window panes.

The students need discipline. What I don’t agree with is that the disciplines are just too many and too strict. How can we suppose the students should behave like a saint or even a machine all day long? Even if they were saints, they will err. Man errs. They may not make mistakes if they are just clay bodies, sitting there motionlessly every day.

I am not graded as a good headteacher since I don’t treat the students as strict as was demanded. I am expected to give all those students severe punishments or even drive them out of our school. Several colleagues of mine did these successfully and they were regarded as efficiently workers. Frankly speaking, I can do those things if I want to. It is only because of the fact that they are only little children and it is only too natural for them to make any kind of mistakes so long as they are not serious ones.

Sometimes I am feeling too tired of such chores and I want to quit the job as a headteacher. For fear of arousing any feeling of discontent, I have for several times relinquished my plan to submit a resignation.

What I aim to do is to make the students as happy and healthy as can be and on that base I give them some certain disciplines. I am mindless of my personal gains. That is the very reason why I am graded as one of the inefficient headteachers at our school.

What is wrong with our present education? Is it the case that we should find faults with the students and then punish them thereby? I just have no idea. Whenever I think of this, I will feel distressed.

        I am disillusioned

So many people exclaimed at the news that Ma, Yingjiu, the former mayor of Taibei, had been elected chairman of Taiwan. They looked on it as an olive branch. However, after listening to an interview by CNN with Ma, I am feeling disillusioned. Compared with Chen Shuibian, he is only a little mild in terms of politics.

Ma Yingjiu, was conceived in Hongkong, and delivered in Taiwan. So he is basically Chinese. He made no attempts to split China. Nevertheless, from his words I couldn’t see sign of any progress on the way to reunification, which is something all Chinese are eager to see. It seems that he was quite proud that there are still 24 countries in the world that supported Taiwan. He only said that the man who was dealing with foreign affairs was called not called an embassy. In regards the reunification he said that both he and the CCP are still not ready for it. He said CCP is only trying to prevent Taiwan from being independent.

Personally I wished the enthronement of Ma in Taiwan will make the reunification of Taiwan into the Motherland possible. However from his words I could see very little sign of that. I am no supporter that the government of the motherland solves the Taiwan issue in the way to throw the sword into the scale. And I am not supporter of Taiwan’s independence. Why is China one of the powerful countries in the world at present? Because we are comprehensively strong as a nation in the world. What is more, we are a large country. No countries can afford to make an enemy of a country which is both strong and large. Just like the elder brother has much say in family affairs. Disintegrated, we will be made as weak as can be. The Soviet Union, was just such an example.

What is the most consoling thing is that Ma promised not to take actions towards independence. That gives time to the government in mainland to reconsider the best means that can be employed to achieve reunification.

               A  blogslave

Last night from TV I got a story.

A lady, who is in her thirties, has recently found quite a lot of photos of hers on line without her knowledge. Most of the photos are her life photos. She felt strange and angry about it. He decided to find out who took her photos and put them on line without her permission. After about two years’ investigation, she was still in a maze as to who did this. What is more, during her investigation some her latest photos still were found on line. She was infuriated. She decided to go to law to have her justice. However, the court requested her help to find out who did this.

She was more than ever anxious to know the truth. It was only by occasion did she find that there was a man behind the background of one of the photos. And instantly she realized that it was her husband.

What a grotesque and absurd story it is to her! In frenzy she went to her husband and asked him to go to divorce. And it was only for the sake of years of marriage that she proclaimed that she should relinquish her right to suit him.

Her husband rejected her proposal to divorce. He vowed that he loved her so dearly. On being enquired into the cause of the matter he confessed that he had encountered some setbacks and frustrations in his career, meanwhile his wife was very successful in her own. Being ashamed to tell her about what he had suffered. He took to blogwriting and he very soon found it a very good way to give vent to his pent-up feelings. A lot of his mental burdens were released in his blog. Sometimes he would touch upon his private life with his wife and he put several photos of his and his wife’s in his blog. They were quite popular. So many people went to his blog for a visit. He was exhilarated at being concerned about. Encouraged by that he took more photos of his wife without her knowledge and put them all in his blog. He was so successful that his blog became the number one on the website. Having got so great a success and encouragement that he had not found in reality, he was lost in blogwriting and the illusory success and finally became a blogslave. Sometimes he even took photos of his wife when she was interviewing a business partner. This had a very bad impact on her wife and she had therefore become a public figure that she knew nothing about it at all.

It was at last that she wife noticed this and set out to check it out. Without knowing what an influence he had exercised on her wife, he went on. It only dawned on him when his wife came to him to ask for a divorce.

The psychologist gave him psychoanalysis. He drew a conclusion that it is his wife’s duty to help him to cure himself of the indulgence in blogwriting. As they had been on good terms since they got married, the couple came to reconciliation and decided to have a start in life.

The story came to an end. What amazed me most is that even blogwriting would lure people into such a state. I am afraid of doing anything now. It has become a habit of mine to drop several words on pages every day. Will this one day become the wrong doing of mine one day?

Something about democracy

What is democracy? I don’t know. Who can tell me?

To me, democracy doesn’t mean that we can do everything we want to do. The national machine is there to take effective control over all those disorder and illegal riots to make sure that everything goes smoothly. Any attempts to split a country are not good. United, we are powerful; split, we would be disabled and bullied like we suffered in history in the world. That is the very reason I don’t like any disturbance that happened recently in Lhasa. We may take mild measures to achieve the ends without resorting to any violent acts such like burnings, killings and arson. If we say such riots have happened in want to democracy, have the five girls in heaven, who were still young and at their prime ages, got their democracy?

Democracy doesn’t mean we can say anything we want to say. We have a law to prohibit use from making any utterance that is illegal. However, I would like to point out that so long as what we say has not jeopardized the security and stability of our country, it is ok for us to express our views on everything. Crazy-English said that I am not a Chinese and he would be sick of me if I am. And soon after he changed his views and said sorry after he read some of my other articles and comments left to Monica. I told him that whether he liked me or not mattered little if not nothing to me. I only want to show my views.

To say the truth, I like democracy more than a lot of other people. I want to have my voice heard. And I want to better my present situations. Being so hard pressed, I have no enough time even to take care of my kid. There is no one to care for us. What is the worst; we have no courage to quit since in China, it is so difficult to get a job.

What is more, I would like to know what the truth is for a lot of things. However we have no other means to employ to achieve this aim.

No one hates to live in a world of democracy. A country with democracy is like a paradise.