Why am I so pessimistic?

More often than not, in my dreams and in reality a specter looms large to me. I don’t know if the same thing happens to others. I am always depressed and made pessimistic about life by it.

Ever since childhood I have the pungent experience of being forlorn. On so many nights I remained alone, deserted and afraid of all unfathomable things around me. Most probably this experience has built something into my character and personality.

Five of my immediate family members have passed away since I graduated from the university, among them there were my mother and my younger sister. Death has never stopped stalking me. Watching their last minute to come has always been the last thing for me to stand up to. Even now I can still remember before the last minute came, my mother tried every effort to get up a little with the help of her elbow and watched me. She must have something to say. But she was incapacitated to do so since the ghastly disease had encroached upon every tissue of hers and rendered her a dying person.

All of them, especially my younger sister and my mother, have brought me depressing memories and made me keenly aware of the ever existence of the spectral death. I am excruciatingly conscious of the fact that one day or another, I am doomed to be taken away to the other side of the world, which remains a mystery to me. There has never be a returned passenger from the place.

Whenever I think of this, I lose heart in doing everything. What can I be supposed to do in contrast to the sure and steady steps of the death spirit itself. We can live but temporarily in the mundane world. So is there any reason to justify our fussing over any insignificant and trivial matters?

All is nothing before death. It levels all on the earth.   

That is the very reason that I fear nothing however I am disinterested in any trivial matters.